Wysz Answers Letter Number 1

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Portions of this message have been edited and/or omitted for various reasons.

The first letter comes from Wankmaster Teapot. Mr. Teapot did not eat breakfast on the day he sent his message:

I almost never eat breakfast.  So mike, about my Octopus idea.  I think I am gonna take some clothing designer courses to help this out. Would you where it?  Oh, can you run a poll on your website to see if people would wear my Octopus line?  Cause that would be super of you. Oh, whats this new pepsi can you speak of?  I dont drink it much, even though pepsi owns our campus, which is good, cause i drink a lot of Dew, but i like coke better, and dont get me started on cherry coke, its so much better then cherry pepsi.  But the all time best where crystal pepsi and the little known and appreciated Pepsi Kona (coffe flavored pepsi). it came into fruition in the mid to late 90's when for some reason everything got mixed with coffee.  I think thats when starbucks started to move into the east coast, ya know?  So yeah, i think i can be a very tangential person, since the randomness of this is jus toff the charts.  But honestly, if i were ACTUALLY tangential, what would i look like?  Like would i be a Circle w/ giant lines, that only hit one point on me, all over? or would a be a tangent line on a curve?  could you differentiate to find my equation?  hmm? i smell a new line of clotheing.  Tangentry, beauty through lines on a circle. the scary thing is, i m just writing down what comes into my head as it comes.  Wow.  I need therapy.  Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in you own mind and see how you think of things and all that or someone else's mind?  I think if i could see into my own mind it would drive me insane.  Although i would truly know everything bout myself then wouldnt I?  Like, what would i do if i did that and found out that i really didnt like people, but monkeys instead.  Would i go live with the monkeys?  Would they accept me into their society?  would i be good picking out the fleas and then eating them?  Can i throw poo with the best of them?  I dont know what i would do.  Plus, i dont like banana's very much.  I only eat them when they are in fruit salad. I cant just sit there and eat a banana. ok, now i am really starting to freak myself out.  ooo aaa.  oh no, did i just make a monkey noise?  its ooaaa happening.  ooaaooaaooaaooaaooaaooaa...

My response:

Dear Wankmaster,

First of all, I doubt that that is your real name, but I'll let that go for now. What a terribly long message you sent. I'm dizzy as I read it. Couldn't you use paragraphs or something? And your grammar, punctuation, and general use of the English language is absolutely horrid.

I'll just go through your message in order, and let you know what I think.

The clothing line. Would I "where it?" Would you consider proofreading? No, I wouldn't wear it. I don't like the smell of seafood. But I am flattered that you think it would be "super" if I did. If you are willing to pay, I will allow you to place ads for your line on my website.

Pepsi. The label just looked a little different when I got a can from the vending machine recently. Still blue, still says "PEPSI," but the design is a little different. Pepsi has a good presence at JHU as well, and I am happy for that since I prefer the sweet nectar of Pepsi over the tasteless Coke. Pepsi is awesome. Do you see Coke letting a monkey give away a billion dollars? I didn't think so. Crystal Pepsi was awesome. We were in sixth grade I think. I never had Pepsi Kona, but that would be the perfect beverage for a caffeine addict like you. Don't worry, I won't get you "started" on Cherry Coke, as I agree that it is the superior cherry flavored cola.

Tangents. I've always supported them. Especially in class, I love it when a student is able to get the instructor to go into an off topic tangent. I'm pretty good at it myself, even with college professors. And then there are some teachers who go off on tangents without any help from their students. I'm sure that not waiting for a student to prompt a tangent violates some union rule, but no student would ever complain about this.

Monkeys. Mr. Teapot, I believe that you are correct in saying that you should see a therapist. Actually, you should probably see a lot of them. However, liking monkeys is not unheard of. I am also fascinated by these creatures. So is Stephanie Birkitt, one of David Letterman's assistants. When Dave doesn't have enough questions for a guest, such as a Survivor "loser," he will often call the office and ask Stephanie to come up with a question. Her favorite question is some version of "Have you ever seen or touched a monkey?" TOUCH THE MONKEY! (SNL reference) Rupert's Survivor loser question: "Was there any hanky-panky going on?" Hmm, I guess I should have put these tangents in the "Tangents" section of my response, but they relate more to monkeys. You "don't like banana's very much." I don't like bananas at all, and I don't use a grammatically incorrect apostrophe when writing about them.

Well, that's all I can say about your message for now. Good luck with your metamorphosis, and kids, keep those messages coming!

-The Wysz

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